Pork Talk 14th April 2019

PORK TALK: Ellendale Round 1.
*Denotes a club fine
After a long hot exhausting pre-season summer, the Pigs were ready for some football. Even Slim and Junior showed up to pre-season training and that’s as

rare as a Buddy Franklin overhead mark, or a Freo premiership, take your pick.
Our number one fans, the Squealers were bravely resisting rain and wind on the boundary line, having topped off a good summer break with their annual mystery bus trip: proving once again that nothing good comes of drinking champagne in the sun for six hours.
A solid country practice game at Wongan Valley was highlighted by junior Fred * and Anton’s * snoring (both woke up with Nat Fyfe type headaches) and PK’s * animal husbandry exploits. The Pigs were ready to stretch their legs at Ellenbrook.
First up, the Masters took on Kingsway featuring old mates Haydo and Steelo. The middle aged Masters started well with Dale cruising around the midfield like he was driving his Mustang, smooth and powerful.
Catchy was dominant until he was injured and had to be helped from the ground. Over the years Catchy’s ankles have proven about as reliable as his caravan’s wheel bearings, breaking down when you least expect it….like 50km short of Jurien in the middle of the night *.
The Visor was attacked by the playing surface in a vicious spoil attempt, and as a result the ground has been given three weeks at the tribunal, but will accept two games for an early plea.
Kingsway were made to look like the amateurs they are, and, being about as happy as Supercoach Pete Maloney* after the 2018 AFL Grand Final, collapsed like the Scorchers Big Bash hopes.
The Juniors were long shots in their game against Eastern Hills without the club’s self-appointed best player Supercoach Pete who was overseas conducting an AFL handball clinic for young street kids in Thailand.
Captain Buttercup * (if he’s not he should be) had words of encouragement for his charges: “I want to be inside of you” which had teammates looking the other way, and questioning themselves about how committed they really were to team success.
Country bumpkin Nick * started the match by running around the forward lines like an unregistered dog, not an uncommon sight in Ellenbrook. One particularly clever play was to mark in the pocket, spot his teammate alone in the goal square and handball directly to his opponent standing the mark. It’s week 1, he’s rusty OK?
SOS *, having undertaken a soul crushing pre-season training regime where he lost 50% of his body weight, proved deadly in the forward lines with 4 goals by half time. In pursuit of his fifth, SOS version 0.5 just managed to touch through for a behind an accurate shot on goal from a very unhappy fellow Pig. It wasn’t easy but he pulled it off with aplomb.
Until then, the game had been about as lopsided as the Eagles home ground free kick count, but this event seemed to spark the Hills Dwellers who started running amok. The last time so many people ran amok like this Dave Eaton * ended up on the Channel 7 news at Cockburn.
One troubling habit for the Juniors was doubling back into trouble, a bit like a cheating bride on Married at First Sight.
The new kid Daniel was particularly impressive. No one knows who he is or where he came from, but when you play like that who cares!!!
The Seniors went into their clash against Eastern Hills without Boydy * who is on a South Pacific cruise: no doubt sitting back with a beer dreaming up even more complicated training drills. Lets hope they are better than Dave Eaton’s * ‘Roxanne’ prostitute fitness drill.
There were too many match highlights to mention here:
• Booth getting a roundhouse from a first gamer*
• Treasurer Rowley spent all day wide open on the wing with his mates, all alone
• Chad*, the gentle giant, exchanged pleasantries with the umpire, and stormed from the field only to return get BOG. It would appear that Chad’s weekly routine of showing up to training as we crack the first beer is paying off*
• Bustling Billy* looks to be in good Changgu form, kicking a special birthday goal.
• Boothey* took some excellent contested marks but managed to headbutt his mate Bruno, who has a head as hard as an Eastern Hills Cat. Boothey was none too happy until he found out that his beloved Saints won and they sit equal top on the ladder*
See you all at Rockingham.